Hello again, Long Suffering Readers! It’s been a while since I’ve written which Sylvia Trench reminded me of the other day when she asked me, “Where is the next blog? You are dragging ass.” And then one of my newest readers (who also happens to be my first cousin) reached out and asked, “How are you doing? Does it get any easier?”
This is the nutshell of what I wrote to her:
I’m doing much better, it does get easier. There was so much anger and angst for the last 2 years it was like a constant fog covering everything Catherine and I did together. Jan through Jun was the worst. After learning about the affair and all the anger and betrayal and every time I looked at her all I could see was an image in my mind of her fucking or sucking someone else… it was just horrible. And then, of course, i was supposed to play like everything wsa OK in front of the girls. The… absolute… worst.
But then I moved out. And then I started getting some new friends online which helped slowly rebuild my now-ruined self-esteem. Very slow process. But, by late Aug/Sept I was feeling “mostly” like my old self “most” times.
Don’t get me wrong, there is still a fair amount of suck. While I don’t miss Catherine AT ALL, I miss my lifestyle; I owned a beautiful home, enjoyed my schedule, enjoyed my commute, enjoyed waking up with my children and putting them to bed every day/night, and I have none of that now.
I do enjoy my nights and weekends alone, gives me freedom to do my hobbies, but I feel guilty that I can’t be with my children. Still, I make the most of it, and I prioritize the time I do get wit the girls; when I’m with them I’m WITH them: I’ve very present and very engaged. We have a great time together when we are together.
Mary, my youngest daughter, asked me the other day, “Dad, are you and Mom closer to getting back together… or getting a divorce…” (Remember, gentle readers, the kids are still under the impression we’re merely separated; we give them the news that it’s an actual divorce after Halloween.) I answered, “Well, honey, I don’t see your mom that much anymore, but no matter what happens, we’ll still be a family and everything is going to be OK.”
In other news, followers of the Twitter account will know that I went out on an actual date a couple weeks ago with The Hot Pool Mom (or “Hot Pool” as I’ve started calling her for short.) There is a long and interesting tale here that I’m not yet willing to share, ‘cuz it would be tacky. I will say this though: I’m still physical affection free for all 2012 (not even First Base, people!) If and when that changes, I’m sure you guys will somehow know.
Bottom line: I’m OK. The “suck” that is in my life now is now within MY control, not Catherines, and it’s a much more empowering feeling. It will only get better as I slowly get some more elements into my life that I miss (e.g. romance) as sadly, I do associate a lot of my self-worth to how other perceive me… I know that goes against all the ONLY YOU CAN MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY mantra which everyone spews, which I fully believe in by the way, but part of owning that is to see if I’m doing enough to make myself interesting and charming to others. That’s important to me. I really don’t want to be perceived as damaged any more than I would want to be perceived as a slob or flaky or untrustworthy.
So there you have it. Not looking forward to the Holidays, but we’ll cross that bridge when it comes.