So, Long Suffering Readers, I had a long interesting chat with one of first women (and admittedly one of my favorite) I’ve met since I started blogging on this website (i.e, one of the Fabulous Internet Girls). We’d had several DM chats in the past, some IM chats, as well as some really candid phone conversations (she was one of the Rare 3 who’d heard the Real Voice.) In the last couple of weeks I hadn’t heard as much from her—not as many responses , etc. When I inquired if there was anything odd going on I was informed, essentially, “Huh, you’re married… I thought I was clear, I don’t flirt with married men.”
Hmmm…. Seems contradictory to hear that now given some of the extremely candid and forthright conversations we’ve had in the past, but we are where we are.
“Married is Married.”
At first I was going to write this blog as a bit of a venting counterpoint to some of the issues she raised during the conversation (which is effectively: I’m still legally married, not enough time has passed since my separation, I still need to do some grieving/healing, etc.) I do have a lot of thoughts on each of these points, many of which I’ve already blogged about in the past. I can point to any of these articles if you’re a new reader.
But then the more I thought about it, the more I thought that was a bad idea for numerous reasons, not the least of which is despite the hurt/disappointment I did feel from her—at least to my point of view—new stance, just because she is feeling differently about me doesn’t make me necessarily feel differently about her.
So I will bring up one thing that did get me thinking: is this blog working to my emotional disadvantage? As I’ve now met several people through my Twitter account and blog, many of whom I’d like to get to know better, I’m realizing they have an unfiltered view in my psyche, that most guys, probably smarter guys, would not offer people they were interested in. If you are dating someone for the first time are you going to blather on about your insecurities? Talk about your failures? Talk about your manscaping? Of course not! Well, probably not.
So instead, let me try to clarify again: why am I here—here being writing this blog—and let you, my Long Suffering Readers, determine whether or not I’m an idiot for being so forthright.
Why am I Here?
I started this blog back in January because I ‘d just been told by wife “Catherine” that she could not be married to me. And while the marriage had not been good, actually getting that news was devastating. I’m not “good” with therapy. I don’t mind talking, but I want to talk to people who know me, and at the time, I just didn’t feel I could not be candid, the really raw unadulterated candid that I felt I needed to be. Some of my friends heard the raw story, but my writing helps me gel thoughts that sometimes doesn’t come together in speech. I wrote/write it anonymously as I wanted it to be completely unfiltered. I needed to do some badmouthing—both of her behavior and my own—in a way that I could never do in public setting. Many of my acquaintances still don’t know the Real Story the way you guys do. Bottom line: when I first started writing, I did not expect ANYONE to read it. I figured some folks would stumble across as a result of weird search results, but generally speaking, I was writing for an audience of one. It was then, and mostly still is, written vent and help understand (as if understand that sort of behavior were even feasible) what I went through.
More Importantly, why are YOU here?
So one of the things I did not expect was the reaction I started receiving from readers. I’ve received a lot of very heartfelt feedback from Long Suffering Readers and it pleases me that people enjoy and or empathize with the writing. It saddens me that most of these folks have similar stories of betrayal or loss or emotional abuse, but I’m glad that it helps people in some small way.
Get to the point…
So here’s the point I’m trying to make(if there ever was one): one of the things that my friend said to me was, “You’re trying to make an emotional connection…” and, in a way, she was right. While I originally started writing for me, in a lot of ways, I know I’m now writing for an audience—an audience I genuinely care for. After so many years of working so hard for someone’s attention and then having it cast aside it’s refreshing to find people who actually seem to genuinely care about my well being. So ultimately I guess my point is this: this isn’t necessarily all about me anymore. I’ve invited you guys in as well, and I’m glad you’re here. I’m hoping that some of the friendships I’m developing will last years or decades! I’m not interested in spending any more time emotionally alone. I’ve done that for 3 years, and I’m done with that. I know how that story ends. It DOES NOT necessarily mean that I’m going to ask the next person I meet to marry me (certainly not, although a I have several friends that say, “Dude, don’t engage the first person you meet!” Who does that? Well, apparently they have friends that have done that..). Anyway, welcome into my life. I hope you enjoy your time here.
I have to be really clear: while the inspiration of this blog came from my FIG friend advising me that I needed to spend more time alone, I want to be VERY clear: none of what I’ve written should be considered a dig at her (not that you know who she is, but still, it’s important to me to clarify). She gave me a lot of advice based on her own experience and out of compassion for me. And while it didn’t end like I expected, at the very least she had my well being in mind, and that is lovely in itself, even if the psudeo-dumping does is not 😉