Bombshell Pt2: The Discovery

So in this previous post, I talked about how Catherine and I had agreed that we would attempt to salvage this marriage under the condition that it would be sexless. We came to this agreement after me pleading with her for 3 weeks to re-consider everything that was at stake. Essentially the ground rules were:

  • She agreed to be celibate. She could not go outside the marriage, for if she wanted sex, she was to get it from me
  • I was OK to “get my needs met” outside the marriage. I could visit professionals, get a girl on the side, whatever… but I was not to get it from her
  • Between her and I it would be TOTALLY sexless. No 1st base… no watching Pr0N, no her watching me practice the “the act that dare not speak its name”. Nothing. We were done
  • Any girlfriend I were to get should be kept off the record. She didn’t want to hear about it.

For 2 months I’ve been working under these new assumptions. At first things seemed good. She seemed to really be engaged and hopeful. And then after 2 weeks or so, it started to feel… well… like it did before the initial meltdown. She’d become withdrawn again, not as communicative. Would dive into her PC as soon there was time for us to talk. It felt like it was forced with her.

This also coincided with me giving a new “update” to the rules. The more I thought about it, the more I figured I could not indeed live in a sexless marriage forever, even if I could get a girlfriend. The more I thought about the logistics of getting my needs met elsewhere went against my core values. I told her I would be happy to be celibate for a year or so, but probably no more. If she could begin to see me as a husband in that time, I would probably have to leave. She said she began to feel “the old pressure” again, and it was giving her angst (remember, she’s now sleeping with someone else at this point….)

The Discovery

I am not a snoop, it goes against what I consider honorable in a marriage. That’s not to say, I’m not observant–I’m VERY observant, but I don’t snoop. That changed last Thursday night. After 2 months or agonizing over how I would potentially make this work, would I be able to compromise my values and go outside the marriage, and generally just feeling hopeless and dirty, I thought it was too much. You combine this with I was starting to have my old suspicions again, and it was a recipe for my bad behavior.

I snooped on her phone without her knowledge. It was about 10:45 at night, and I’m not sure what ultimately led me to do it now as opposed to all the other opportunities I had, but I did it nonetheless.

It didn’t take me long to find the incriminating evidence. i went straight to her SMS messages and found that there was one entry that did not have a name, only a phone number, and that that dozens of texts had been sent between this person. I only scanned them but was able to quickly discern:

  • she was being very flirty. In fact the excitement between the two of them was salacious and giddy
  • …oh no, indeed she had been fucking him
  • She acknowledged that they had to be careful, in that she’d almost gotten caught
  • And when was the latest texts between them… oh just a day or two ago.

I was crushed immediately. There was a small hollow insignificant moment where I felt justified that I had not been crazy all along, followed by an avalanche of crushing emotions: humiliation, rage, betrayal, emasculation, fear, more rage, and a deep deep despair. It was hard to comprehend how many lies she’d been giving me.

I put her phone down and walked into her room and woke her up.

“What’s wrong?” she asked groggily. It was approximately 11:05pm.

“I’m sorry but I finally broke into your phone and read your messages. I now know you’ve been having an affair and that it’s still going on. Can you finally be truthful with me?”

The next 2 hours she slowly offered up the details. At first I was confused by her stoic delivery, I expected a greater outpouring of grief of the discovery. She admitted, “I think I’m in shock.” After two hours or so that became more believable as she started giving the details amongst tears of pain, shame and shock.

The gist of my reaction is probably fairly predictable. “How could you do this? Did I mean nothing? How could you LIE over and over and over? Was there any truth? Did you love him?”

The details she shared that night, and the nights since have basically been the following:

  • She was never looking to have an affair. It happened, and she knew it was wrong, but never meant to hurt me.
  • He was some dude in one of her dance classes. I did not know him.
  • It started around the holidays.
  • It did continue even after the January “new marriage arrangements” proposals
  • She did not love him. In fact, she now, in the face of everything and the shock of discovery, never wanted to see him again.
  • It was sexual only. It started with flirtation… at some point he made a move and she did not resist. It awoke in her sexual feelings she thought she’d lost long ago. It filled an emptiness she didn’t know she had.
  • Despite the lying and the affair, she had wanted our marriage to improve.

Part 3 to follow… The Aftermath.

The Bombshell Pt 1: Background

On Thursday night, April 5, I discovered that all of the conversations I’d been having with Catherine were all based on lies; I discovered that for the last 5 months she’s actually been having an affair. This will be a long one, folks, so I’ll try to bust into bite sized chunks.

The Background

Ever since around Oct 2011, I’d begun to have suspicions that she was either having an affair, or about to have an affair. Any example I could give here would seem small and suspicious, but when taken into account with how well I know Catherine (we’ve been married for 10-years after all…) it all seemed sadly cliche: she had started to work out more, she had started to do things to make herself more presentable (different clothes, teeth straightening, healthier eating). She was again going out more often (multiple dance classes, working out more often.) When I would ask her about this behavior she would criticize me and say things like, “You know I like to look good! You know I like to feel better about myself!” And perhaps, for a time, she believed that. But I knew the signs. We’ve all seen this before.

By Christmas, I knew she was infatuated with someone (and now, in hindsight, she was sleeping with someone by this point) More subtle signs, “People are starting to notice me more!” and more subtle, a new found confidence in herself. I could just see it. As I watched it, it made more more sad. She was having a sexual awakening without me. I could also see more behavior of hiding her PC, hiding her phone, etc.

By January I was convinced she was having an affair. It finally blew up in earnest the night of Jan 27 when, while out at a show dancing she said, “Take a picture of me with my phone!” I said, “Sure… oh, your phone is locked, what’s the passcode?”
“I don’t remember.”
“What? What do you mean you don’t remember?”
“I don’t remember.”

She then proceeded to get very drunk while she danced (again, quite provocatively with one of the girls at the club with her new found sexual confidence.) Once we got outside I became livid, “What do you mean you don’t remember?! What are you hiding? WHO are you hiding!”

Remember, she was very drunk, “NO ONE, NOTHING… and then, FUCK IT, I want a divorce… I can’t be married to you anymore… I can’t be married… i want a divorce…”

Up until Thursday, this quickly became the worst night of my life. Raging drunk, she continued to just bemoan how unhappy she’d been, how she’d felt stifled, but it was also intermixed with, I want to feel passion in my life… I want to be free.. i want to feel passion. All of this just doing more to confirm my suspicion of an affair.

The next morning, she awoke, severely hung over, but still convinced that she wanted a divorce. This is not how I wanted to tell you, but it is what I want.

I immediately went into, “Oh shit, I need to save my marriage mode!”, but it was too late. She was adamant. I kept asking if she’d been having an affair… I could work through it, we could work through it. She kept insisting it was not about someone else. There was no affair, she hadn’t been with anyone. And let me tell you, gentle readers, I prodded on this OVER AND OVER. She kept insisting it was not about anyone else, but about the problems between her and I.  I didn’t completely believe, but I wanted to believe. About a week later is when I started this blog.

Up next, The Discovery.